self-evaluation

You know what I've been realizing lately? When I step back, and look at myself, I'm not a good person. Like Larry, from the Stand, I "ain't no nice guy."

I lash out. In defense, or just in anger, or sadness, or pretty much anything. So, what I'm saying is, I'm mean. All the time. Also, I would probably be ecstatic if everyone in the whole world fell in love with me so I could break their hearts. I could be my own therapist, because I know for a fact that my problem is that I judge my value by people I've rejected, like a collage.

This is a very undesirable trait in a person, I don't think I need to point out.

I have no internal drive to do anything. My mom doesn't believe this even though I tried to tell her. I don't draw because I love drawing. I do enjoy drawing, about half the time, but only about as much as I like reading or eating or watching tv. The reason I draw is that I want to get good enough that people love my art the way I love Humon or Klar's art. I want to get so many comments that I don't have to answer them. How terrible is that?

I play up on my addictions and my fandoms for attention. Okay, so, I do love yaoi/shota/anime. But I'm not content to just love those things, and I wouldn't care half as much, except that I have the added hobby of making sure everyone knows about it. When someone thinks shota-complex, I want them to think CARMEN. I want to monopolize the subjects I love in everybody's mind so I'm never forgotten or expendable. I don't grow in peoples minds as a person, I make them see me as a character.

I think of all the negative things about everyone I know, even the people I love. If they're manipulative, whiny, suck-ups, fake, slow, or self-centered, I've got it down on my mental card for them and chances are I've gossiped about it behind their back, or even told it to their face when I was angry. Strangely, I never fight and I rarely argue, but I have a mean streak a mile wide. And now the whole world knows about it.

If you're wondering why I'm doing this, YES, I am trying to convince everyone that I'm a terrible person and that nobody should be my friend. It'll save you from a lot of crap. I feel I owe it to anyone who knows me to know the truth about. Which is that I suck.

End self-evaluation.

...... yeah, okay, I'm still mad.

I exaggerated on a lot of this. I just needed to vent, or else I wouldn't be able to talk to her without being angry anymore. This took forever though.... I kind of like it.



[EDIT]

I thought this was funny. This is from March 5th, 2005. That's about a year and three months ago. A VERY OLD self portrait.

This is from about a week and a half ago. The new and (very much?) improved self portrait. Okay, it's me as a boy... but the same principle applies.

The lazies.

I had a case of the lazies today. I came from from Summer School intending to do the dragon picture, but I scanned another picture instead, was going to color it, but then I got distracted and watched a cartoon I downloaded on Limewire. (it was Clerks btw. C:) Eventually I colored the picture I scanned though. And here it is. And also here are some other pictures I drew.








I wish I could undo that last one. I mean, take back all the frickin hours I spent on it. The person I drew it for ignored me for three days and when she finally commented on it, she was sort of but not really enthusiastic. And I was like... "Um, you're welcome. ....Also eff you in the a...." I don't think I'll draw anything for her again, because she's really sucky.

Omg.

My dad nags me about the most retarded things. Like when we went camping and he lectured me about not getting pregnant as a teenager, even though I'm just about the gayest person I know. And today, he nagged me not to leave Rocky Horror Picture Show out where my brothers can get it. I told him that they saw the case and thought it looked stupid. He's like, "But Max is only ten, those images might confuse him."

Do you ever get that internal dialog inside your head of what you really WANT to say that goes alongside what you're actually saying? I do, all the time.

Inside: Omg, shut your face, seeing a guy in drag isn't going to turn your precious little boy into a fag. Lol.
Outside: He saw the case, and said it looked stupid. Don't worry.

Dad: I'm trying to nag nicely.

Inside: Well, it's retarded, so don't tag at all, you prick.
Outside: But it doesn't matter.

Mom: Just agree with him.

Inside: Why doesn't he just agree with me? He's not even worried about a real problem! He needs to get a hobby or something!
Outside: Fine. I agree.

Aaaand... I drew stuff.

btw, the first one is me as a boy. o yah, i bleached my hair, and it does look sort of like that now. the second one is Loor giving Lune a belly rub and the last one is just doodles. :3

Wow, you learn something new every day.

Like today. Apparently Spiderman was a victom of child molesation. O___O No, srsly.