Monday, July 31, 2006

self-evaluation

You know what I've been realizing lately? When I step back, and look at myself, I'm not a good person. Like Larry, from the Stand, I "ain't no nice guy."

I lash out. In defense, or just in anger, or sadness, or pretty much anything. So, what I'm saying is, I'm mean. All the time. Also, I would probably be ecstatic if everyone in the whole world fell in love with me so I could break their hearts. I could be my own therapist, because I know for a fact that my problem is that I judge my value by people I've rejected, like a collage.

This is a very undesirable trait in a person, I don't think I need to point out.

I have no internal drive to do anything. My mom doesn't believe this even though I tried to tell her. I don't draw because I love drawing. I do enjoy drawing, about half the time, but only about as much as I like reading or eating or watching tv. The reason I draw is that I want to get good enough that people love my art the way I love Humon or Klar's art. I want to get so many comments that I don't have to answer them. How terrible is that?

I play up on my addictions and my fandoms for attention. Okay, so, I do love yaoi/shota/anime. But I'm not content to just love those things, and I wouldn't care half as much, except that I have the added hobby of making sure everyone knows about it. When someone thinks shota-complex, I want them to think CARMEN. I want to monopolize the subjects I love in everybody's mind so I'm never forgotten or expendable. I don't grow in peoples minds as a person, I make them see me as a character.

I think of all the negative things about everyone I know, even the people I love. If they're manipulative, whiny, suck-ups, fake, slow, or self-centered, I've got it down on my mental card for them and chances are I've gossiped about it behind their back, or even told it to their face when I was angry. Strangely, I never fight and I rarely argue, but I have a mean streak a mile wide. And now the whole world knows about it.

If you're wondering why I'm doing this, YES, I am trying to convince everyone that I'm a terrible person and that nobody should be my friend. It'll save you from a lot of crap. I feel I owe it to anyone who knows me to know the truth about. Which is that I suck.

End self-evaluation.

4 Comments:

Blogger TeenageHermit said...

GRRRR

I just made this really long emotional comment on how you don't suck and stuff...and Now it's gone!!! GRRRRR

I'm too lazy to type all that stuff back, so here's the summary:

I don't think you suck, and for me it'd take a lot more than just being a mean person sometimes and playing stuff up a little for you to suck. So, if by some odd phenomon(sp?) you lost all your friends EVERYWHERE I'd still be there for you. But I doubt you'd lose friends soon.

Wanting people to know your art and getting attention for it is sorta normal. i know I like it when people commnet on my artwork and stuff. Makes me feel all good to know somebody cares about it, you know. But eventually, at the rat you're going with all the friends you have, a WHOLE bunch of people will be able to recongnize your art soon. I can now.

Playing up your fandoms...Well, that's not really bad. it can get you in a rut, since you say you reject people alot, and if you meet someone that loves a fondom, too death and you really don't like the fandom that much, then you'd probably have to end up rejecting somebody, again.

Well, yeah, that's my thought on it. I still don't think you suck. I mean, you're one of the coolest people I know (that's a lot cause I only know like 5 people that I conbsider friends). Who cares if you be mean and stuff. A lot of people have bad days and nobody's perfect. But, you don't suck. At least not to me. You don't suck. No NO NO.

P.S: Even if you did suck for some reason, since you said you sucked, you don't suck anymore, cause by you saying you suck, you're at least noticing it and making it known. And the first way to fix a problem is to say you have one first. SO, you don't suck. Yeah.

Your art rocks too.

Bye!

6:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reminder:
The new season of Noah's Arc premieres on Logo on August 9th! And they will sneak preview the first episode on the logo website on Tuesday, August 8th- same day the dvd box set of season 1 hits stores.

So tune in!!!

2:23 PM  
Anonymous Panda said...

What am I? 0_0

2:57 PM  
Blogger tender arts said...

You are also incredibly protective of the people you love. You don't let people get away with affectatious behaviors. This is one of my favorite things about you. You have a wonderful courage about you. I have never seen you be afraid to be yourself and to say the things you see. You are generous and loving much of the time. It may be that you are not remembering those times, but I have seen them many times throughout your life. I recall one time (was it last summer?) when you went for a walk with your brothers and you came back holding hands with Max. You have an enormous curiosity which I love about you.
No, you are not all good. Nor are you all bad. You are a person, sometimes base, sometimes brilliant, sometimes mean, sometimes kind. You are all that and more and I think you are one of the most delightful people I have ever met. I wouldn't want you any other way.
It is possible that you are seeing some character flaws in yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. Identify what you don't like and work to change it. Set up reminders for yourself. Create a routine. We are trainable. If there is something you want to change, train yourself.
By the way, I love you very, very much. Just the way you are.
Love,
Mom

3:14 PM  

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